‘Real Beauty Sketches’ – Why are we so critical when it comes to our beauty?
To my fellow Goddess,
What have we been doing to ourselves? Why are we so critical when it comes to our beauty? And when are we going to stop? When do we start insisting on kindness and compassion from ourselves and others, and claim our inherent beauty?
I am the first to raise my hand and say I have had a lot of practice over the years at being critical of myself; frequently judging my appearance for the times I have carried the extra pounds or the way my thighs fit into my trousers. But I’m learning this does not serve me. And from the women I regularly meet and the majority of the clients I work with, I witness the behind the scenes damage this harsh internal dictator is doing to many of us. We need to stop and find a new way of relating to ourselves.
If you haven’t already seen it, check out the new ad from Dove, called Real Beauty Sketches. I found it very moving and think the essence of the message is something which needs highlighting; it’s the catalyst for this article. My experience of being a woman in this world and working with many female clients is there is such a thread of unworthiness and a feeling of “not being good enough” running through our psyches. And it’s not just about our beauty; the criticism is often about who we are as women.
Ranking realizations
As a coach and as a friend I listen to numerous women list one criticism after another about themselves. And the criticism is harsh; if it was said to anyone other than them, they’d see it for the abuse that it is. When I ask what they find beautiful and feel good about themselves, many hesitate not sure what to say. This list is not as well rehearsed as the other one.
It can be easy to forget our inherent beauty, particularly when faced with a challenging situation. I remember one instance where a male boss, at the very beginning of my career looking me up and down while he was on the phone with a male client, describing my appearance to him and giving me a ranking out of 10 for my attractiveness. I felt extremely uncomfortable in this situation, particularly as I was quite young at the time. It was only later I could see the learning opportunity this provided me. And this is what I try to share with women. I’ve heard endless stories by professional women looking to be taken seriously, who have endured jokes at their expense as male colleagues openly rank female body parts.
Not nice. But we live in a world where each of us are given experiences to learn from and opportunities to make choices – ie, do we continue to work for men who demean us?
Transformational Beauty
And it’s the same for the media. A couple of years ago I lived in California, and I would regularly stop by a friends place for a coffee and a chat. She was a professional retoucher, and worked with many well-known female celebrities retouching their publicity shots. These would usually be used to promote a new movie, album or fashion collection. I remember one high profile campaign she worked on which ended up on international billboards, magazines, and other print material. It took my friend more than one month of sitting at her computer for a minimum of 10 hours a day, sometimes much longer, adjusting the images pixel by pixel in order to get them just right for the production company. The photographs had already been taken using the best hair and make-up artists, stylists, lighting and photographers, not to mention the celebrity was naturally very beautiful. Seeing the transformation over that month was astonishing to me. Prior to this, I had never fully appreciated the extent to which these images are altered to fit what seems to be the prominent idea of beauty.
It was an opportunity for me to check inside. If we take the premise that “how we relate to the issue is the issue”, then irrespective of what digitally enhanced photos are in circulation, how was I relating to me as I flicked through pages of the glossy fashion magazines? This is where the opportunity for growth is for us all.
A Matter of Choice
How do we choose to be in the world – as people, not just men and women – when we often experience a world which is not as honoring of us as we’d like? Some of my most challenging moments have been the best opportunities for growth and learning. I realized I always have a choice.
We don’t need to wait for the outside to change before we commit to our own healing, becoming kinder and more compassionate with ourselves. We are responsible for our own healing right now.
It’s great to want to keep in shape, wear make-up, or even have cosmetic surgery, if that’s what you want. It’s all fine, so long as you don’t let it define who you are, and use this as commentary for your internal dictator.
Who Do You Love?
Start paying attention and notice things you like/love about yourself. Ask friends what they think your three best qualities are if you are struggling. I did this exercise recently and asked 25 people made up of family, friends, and colleagues to email me their thoughts of my 3 best qualities. I had some discomfort as I sent this email, but I want to consciously move away from the negative. All of the responses were great, and some were SO touching; I felt really good.
If our intention is to be the best version of ourselves, then we need to pay attention to how we are relating to ourselves. We don’t have to wait for the outside world to change. We can remember the Goddess within, along with our inherent beauty in this moment.
“The one thing you can’t take away from me is the way I choose to respond to what you do to me. The last of one’s freedoms is to choose one’s attitude in any given circumstance.” Viktor E. Frankl
Inspiring quote Viktor Frankl and great advert Dove!
Cheers
Julie-Ann.
