Compelled to Compare? Hopping off the ‘one-up, one-down seesaw’

Growing up in Australia, my grandmother was always particular about how she hung the laundry on the back yard clothes line. It was always one peg to join the corners of two separate pieces of clothing, never ever two pegs. The tea towels and linens were hung together, preferably sorted by color, and under garments were hung on the inside to avoid being seen by the neighbors. Her precision in laundry hanging was not driven from her own pleasure of job well done, but from an anxious concern that the neighbors may judge her as an unfit housewife… Looking back, so much of her spontaneity and pleasure was crippled as her decisions were closely tied to “What will the neighbors think?”

It’s crazy now for me to consider she spent so much time worrying what the neighbors thought, particularly over how the bed sheets were hung.

But if you think about it, not much has really changed. Many of us may no longer worry about our laundry hanging skills, but we haven’t cured the temptation to compare. In offices, households, neighborhoods everywhere, there seems to be an almost compulsive preoccupation and need to continuously compare ourselves to others. And it doesn’t matter your socio economic, cultural or demographic make-up, we all seem to do it; either feeling better about ourselves because we perceive we are somehow ahead of the other person, or feeling worse about ourselves because what we have or who we are isn’t good enough. We see-saw back and forth between one-up, one-down, better-than, less-than.

Think about it. How many times do you slyly hop onto the ‘one-up, one-down seesaw’ and as you are engaged in conversation with someone, are you also silently comparing and contrasting. “She has a nice handbag, hmm I feel uncomfortable, it looks better than mine.”  “I feel good – it seems I’m doing much better in business than they are”. “Her shoes look better than mine, but she’s definitely put on some pounds over the holidays”.  “Feel a little anxious, he’s telling me he’s got a new sports car – ahh, but mine is better”.

Why do we do it?

As Pia Mellody highlights in her work on co-dependency and self-esteem, “We are taught to compare ourselves to others to determine our value. If you do not apply the concept of self-esteem to yourself you will probably try to obtain a sense of value through the affirmation of others.”  In this case, other-esteem can leave us in quite a vulnerable position, because we are always looking for reference points or reassurance of our value and worth outside of ourselves.  And it can feel quite traumatic for many if they don’t get it.

Healing comes from remembering our inherent worth; it’s independent of what we have or do, and what the other person thinks of us, has, or does. And it’s remembering that the person opposite us also has inherent worth just for who they are. Any time we move into less-than or better-than thinking in comparison to another person, WE ARE THE ONES who are in Self-Esteem Failure.

Next Action Step: Make a conscious effort to see the loving essence not only in yourself, but in others. And if you catch yourself hopping onto the one-up, one-down seesaw, then make a conscious effort to get straight off. You have value and inherent worth just for who you are.

- Julie-Ann Tathem

The advice written by Julie-Ann Tathem, Tathem LLC is opinion based and for entertainment and informational purposes only. It is not intended to be in place of a consultation with a health, tax, legal or other professional.