Offending from the victim position…

How many times have you given into your righteous anger at those you believe have wronged you, and instead used this as justification for revenge?  We’ve all done it at some point. It could be as simple as driving dangerously because someone cut you off on the highway, or retaliating after a fight with your partner. It raises the old question, do “two wrongs make a right?”

That’s why I liked the following words from Terrance Real, author of “The New Rules of Marriage” when he says … “I believe that offending from the victim position accounts for 90 percent of the world’s violence. Whether the form it takes is a cold silence or an unkind word between two partners, or it’s the act of a disenfranchised, angry criminal who feels entitled to violate our civil code, or a seemingly endless cycle of violence between fractious countries or ethnic groups, violence at all levels is fueled by the RIGHTEOUS ANGER of the victim. And standing up to our thirst for revenge, no matter how “justified” it might feel, is a large component of learning to live nonviolent lives.”

When we are offending from the victim position, we are often being abusive. From this place, as we “justify” our behavior it’s easy to disown the reality that we are also abusing. The behavior is often covert, and the actions from this victim position can frequently garner sympathy from outsiders making accountability for our inappropriate behavior more elusive.

I particularly like Terrance Real’s line “standing up to our thirst for revenge”, because in the heat of the moment, it can be tough to have the clear head of an emotionally functional adult who has the wherewithal to speak calmly from the place of feelings with an intention of healing. But if healing really is the intention, then this is the place where the work in relationships and with our self often needs to begin.